The Art of The Flump


Part I, The Three Steps To Becoming A Flump
Part II, Interview With A Flump
The intra-LLeP promotional email mess
Part III (R-rated), The Road Back: 17 steps to de-flump




Subject:     The Art of the Flump - part I
Date:        1/29/01 6:04 PM
From:       Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
To:          Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

Ah the deep satisfaction when the very malady which afflicts a languishing creative soul yields the spark of inspiration for renewed effort and (dare I anticipate?) success! I believe that rock stars are very expert in this dynamic, for I have heard many of them complain in their songs about the difficulty in being rock stars. Jackson Browne in fact seems to have devoted an entire lp to this subject (I, of course, have never heard it, but I have friends who have). And so, with some rusty restart trepidation, I venture to bring you the LLeP's newest eArticle, in three parts, The Art of the Flump.

The Art of the Flump Part I, the three steps to becoming a flump

[For those of you who like to have soundtrack to the various events of your life, an appropriate one for this article would be 10000 Maniacs "Like The Weather".]

Step 1:

Stay in bed until noon a few too many times in a row, with no excuse such as working the graveyard shift, digging for important ingredients in a graveyard under the full moon, studying for an upcoming exam, taking an exam in some subject that requires it to be taken at 2:00 AM (perhaps connected to the aforementioned ingredients), or driving to Bellingham in the middle of the night at the wailing behest of your cousin Bertie, who never did manage to get through any crisis on his own two feet, and whose present emergency, consisting of an escaped snake, a mother-in-law recently escaped from rehab, and a pair of green sneakers, was imparted to you in squeaky semi-coherent cries over the phone while he fought off the assaults (or was it advances? you aren't quite sure) of said mother-in-law.

No, I'm afraid nothing like that has caused you to ignore the hungry cats, the hungry you, the UPS delivery, and the stabbing pain in your bladder each time you roll over. Bed has simply become more precious than life.

Step 2:

Make a long list of all the tedious things you need to do, like washing the dishes, cleaning the cat boxes, removing the dead rat from the attic (these should sound fairly familiar by now, lending a subtle verisimilitude to this article), and so on. Think about each item on the list - how inconvenient this particular day is for that task, how more suitable next Tuesday would be, since you will be going outside on that day anyway. Group them and categorize them thoroughly! For the tasks which you cannot pawn off on next Tuesday, rationalize to a minimum the time they will take to accomplish. This allows you to pack them all into the last hour before your S.O. gets home.

All tasks thus handily scheduled for future periods, settle down to re-read the first in your favourite mystery series, or turn on the TV and begin watching two movies at once, flipping to the other one as soon as commercials rear their strident voices to interrupt the one you are watching. Naturally the movies are staggered, so when one ends, you can continue watching the remaining work of afternoon movie art which you are already engrossed in while checking other channels during its commercials. There is a little guilty start as the door is unlocked by your S.O. with none of the tasks allotted for the prior hour completed, because you did in fact find another second movie to keep your remote control "jump button" skill honed (for some models this will be a hidden function of the "enter button"). In fact the many transitions from one movie to the next are so blurred by the experience of watching them in this fashion that you have a hard time even accounting to your S.O. what you have watched that day.

step 3:

Don't bother to make the list, just go directly to simultaneous TV movie viewing (hereafter referred to as STVMV) (by now you do this with chips and ice cream in hand) or novel number 8 in your second favourite mystery series. For those advanced in flumpishness, you can even engage in STMTV and novel number 8 at the same time, known as CSMR (Concurrent STMVT and Mystery Reading (for those who are lost this is Concurrent Simultaneous Television Movie Viewing And Mystery Reading)). This is best accomplished by holding the book up in front of you, not quite obscuring the TV screen, and allowing your attention to drift between them, as dictated by the importance of what is happening in either at a given moment.

Congratulations, you are now a flump. Revel in it.

If you would like to receive the rest of this wonderful new eSeries, The Art of the Flump, be sure and send a reply to flumpmebaby@hydrene.com with a subject of "Oh my god that is soooooo funny! Keep them coming."

love love love,
Lizzie

P.S. for those who are wondering... Yes, I have engaged in CSMR on a number of occasions.




Subject:    The Art of the Flump - part II
Date:        1/30/01 9:10 PM
From:       Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
To:          Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

Welcome to part II of LLeP's latest eSeries "The Art of the Flump", we are glad that you enjoyed it. This time we explore the dark inner life of a bona fide flump. But before we meet her we would like to take the opportunity to welcome our new subscribers. They come from diverse parts of the world, such as Everett and The CD. Our international promotional campaign has really paid off, and we are proud of it. That gemini moon is shining across the globe!

For those of you who are new to LLeP, let us give a brief explanation of what we are about. Those of you who have read this before, bear with us (or suck a rock - it's a free subscription you know).

LLeP is committed to excellence in email entertainment, and we bring to it the effervescent genius of a genuine Gemini Moon (that's me, by the way). Our motto is "We bring some Gemini sparkle from the Moon to your inbox."

So without more delay, we bring you part III: Interview With a Flump

cordially yours,
Liz Pfeiffer, Editor-in-chief and CEO, LLeP (Lizziebear's Lowbrow eProductions)

[soon to be merging with the world renowned Retard Publishing from Kent Washington!]

The Art of the Flump - part II: Interview With a Flump

LLeP caught up with our very un-busy flump at her home in Meadowbrook. She let us in with some skepticism after a not so brief reminder of her commitment to LLeP, not to mention posterity! Once the TV and computer were turned off, the curly brown haired pajama-clad girl turned her vague gaze our way, in keen anticipation of our interview.
 

LLeP: So, how did you come to be a flump, Ms Pfeiffer?

Lizzie: I already wrote all that, go read your fucking email.

LLeP: I see, yes, we did read part I of the series, we were hoping for something a little more personal.

Lizzie: More personal??? How much more personal than talking about my painfully full bladder in bed do you want? And it's *e*Series, damn it. Get it right!

LLeP: Well, okay, perhaps we have read enough about the genesis of a flump. We can move on to the grist of flump life. Ms Pfeiffer..

Lizzie: [interrupting] Look here, the bible has nothing to do with it.

LLeP: Excuse me?

Lizzie: I am not religious! I have told those witches and weers and I'm tellin' you!

LLeP: Umm

Lizzie: And stop calling me Ms. I hate that. I am Miss Pfeiffer. I may be a flump, but I'm a pre-Victorian flump, and you better catch a clue-by-four or I will..

LLeP: No need for the hairbrush, Ms, uh, *Miss* Pfeiffer. We didn't mean to upset you. We understand that your feelings are in a fragile state. [At this point the flump picks up her TV remote and fingers it - threateningly? longingly? We are intrigued and gratified to be able to bring our readers deeper into this sodden and tangled life] Miss Pfeiffer, can you tell us a little about how you spend your day?

Lizzie: What?

LLeP: A typical day in the life of a flump. Perhaps like today.

Lizzie: You think this is typical, having a bunch of cameras and scribbling reporters harass me at the door, push their way into my house, and then ask personal questions?

LLeP: Really Miss Pfeiffer, it *was* your idea in the first place. We can cancel the whole thing if you like. [the flump begins to look a bit sulky and picks her novel up out of the puddle of melted chocolate ice cream on the carpet]

Lizzie: Yes, I know... I don't *know*. I guess I had no idea that it would get this gritty.

LLeP: Do you think we're moving in the wrong direction?

Lizzie: I'm not sure. I don't know if it sparkles. It has to sparkle, like the moon.

LLeP: Yes, Yes, Gemini Moon and all that. Look it is a little too late to completely change the nature of the article.

Lizzie: [biting her lip and picking chocolate off the corner of the shabby paperback with her fingernail] I just don't know anymore.

LLeP: Come on, things are looking great. We did have some fallow times recently, but now our subscriptions are up, best they've ever been. Why, we're being read in three countries!

Lizzie: [brightening] Really?

LLeP: Yep, and we don't want to disappoint them do we? Besides, things can't stay the same. Art must evolve to flourish.

Lizzie: Okay, okay, okay, what was the question?

LLeP: We'd just like you to tell us about a typical day.

Lizzie: [twisting one adorable, though messy, brown curl around her finger] Well, I get up about 12:45 or 1:00 or so. Usually I have already been awake, or kind of awake, some of the time anyway. And the one really good thing about getting up is that I finally get to go to the bathroom. Of course the cats want some food, so I have to do that, too. After that I just do whatever.

LLeP: Yes, the "whatever". It is that tantalizing "whatever" that we want to hear about. Can you elaborate?

Lizzie: [thinking while she slides further down on the couch and idly eats a few Tostito's] Okay, I guess I do some CSMR, and some STVMV, and some web surfing and some email. [She thinks harder] Sometimes I absolutely have to flip the litter boxes, otherwise Gren will just go on the floor by the back door. Sometimes I get the mail, if it isn't raining out. Eat. Nap in the late afternoon.

LLeP: So what were you doing this morning before we arrived?

Lizzie: Ummmmm, I waaas waaatchiiinnngg, ummmm, Better Off Dead. They have been playing that a lot lately! And some black and white thing. They only tell you what it is after the commercials, but then I am watching the other movie, so I don't know what it was. There was a guy with a cigar.

LLeP: And the book? Were you reading the book as well?

Lizzie: [hunching up her shoulders with a shy grin] Yeah...

LLeP: There you have it readers! Concurrent Simultaneous Television Movie Viewing and Novel Reading With Ice Cream And Tostito's. This morning. Right Here. We were here and you fortunate subscribers were here with us through the magical medium of LLeP's eSeries! Miss Pfeiffer, how did you feel about all this?

Lizzie: [with a laugh that still hints of the sparkle of former days] oh, ha ha, fine. I am a total flump. I don't care!


Keep your mouse poised for the next installment in The Art of the Flump, "The Road Back".




Subject:     Question about quotes
Date:         2/7/01 12:30 PM
Received:   2/7/01 12:30 PM
From:        LLeP Promotions, lleppromo@hydrene.com
To:            LLeP legal dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
CC:           Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

>...your prompt email and your witty words. I would love to continue my flumping
>education. Keep the emails coming. It is always nice to get some entertaining, shall
>we call it thought provoking email instead of a list of forwarded messages.

This was sent in response to the recent Frump articles, by one of our new subscribers. Can we use these quotes? I think they would be great marketing material - "witty" "entertaining" "thought provoking" These are great! Can we quote them in our promotional material? If so, do any of our subscriber countries cause any problems? I mean Austria or CD.

A prompt reply would be appreciated.

Libby, LLeP Promotions
"We bring the sparkle of a genuine gemini from the moon to your inbox"




Subject:     Re: Question about quotes
Date:         2/7/01 12:49 PM
Received:   2/7/01 12:50 PM
From:        LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:            LLeP Promotions, lleppromo@hydrene.com
CC:           LLeP legal dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
                  Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

We are considering your request, but need clarification. Which country does the subscriber you want to quote com from? This may adversely eefect our ability to leverage the verbiage you provided for our consideration.

We do have a couple of serious reservations about your marketing proposal.

(1) It is not the mission of this company to provide education. The LLeP mission is pure entertainment, with the addition of some generalized and non-commital encouragement to our subscribers in the P.L.A.T.E. program. It could expos us too liability if we foster a belief that our services have an educational component. Furthermore, we have strong reservations about the concept taht we are promoting "flumpishness" in our subscribers.

(2) While we acknowledge that marketing is your province, we feel it incumbent upon us to point out that it may not be a shrewd plan to claim that the services of LLeP are "provoking". As stated in article (1) of this memo, the mission is entertainment. We do not wish to provoke anyone, and it is our considered opinion that any suggestion that our services do in fact provok our subscribers will backfire, leading to less subscribers rather than more, and could open us to litigation.

Regards,
LLeP Legal Dept

P.S. Can you provide any assistance with the identification of the country with initials CD? We cannot identify it. It is somewhat unnerving to be sending product to a nation whose laws we know nothing of. Bernie has suggested CoDominium, but we cannot find any information about it, and we suspect that he is once again pulling our leg.




Subject:     Re: Question about quotes
Date:         2/7/01 1:11 PM
Received:  2/7/01 1:11 PM
From:        LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:            LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
                 LLeP Promotions, lleppromo@hydrene.com
CC:          Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

Oh my God! They shoot! They score! Way to go Legal.

Hey I think it's a great plan. We "provoke" 'em, teach 'em how to be dysfunctional, then cheer 'em up with a good ole PLATE of warm (TM) loving (TM) support (TM). I'm all for it. Quite the racket, eh boys? You legal guys really surprise me. I didn't think you had it in you.

Oh, and I hate to be misquoted. CD stands for Canadian Dominion, which doesn't have anything to do with Canada anymore. They gained their independence in 1923. It's a small island in the Caribbean. I hear a lot of bigtime lawyers retire there.

Still not lockin those screens...

love and kisses,
Bernie




Subject:     Re: Question about quotes
Date:         2/7/01 1:11 PM
Received:   2/7/01 1:11 PM
From:        LLeP Promotions, lleppromo@hydrene.com
To:            LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
CC:           Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

The subscriber comes from the U.S. so hopefully no problems there. Also we have a new one we just got in, which we think we can use:

>LOOK GIRL, DO WHAT YOU WANT BUT KEEP THIS SHIT COMING!!!!!

So please clear this stuff, because we really need to get our new promotion put together. We are going to incorporate some of Bernie's ideas. Maybe he should be transferred to us from Legal, eh?

We won't use the bit about "flumping education", but "thought provoking" is golden. We definitely want to go with that. I don't understand why you don't like it.

And thank Bernie for the tip about the CD. It is always useful to know where our subscribers live. That way we can do some research and really fine tune our promotional materials for them.

Thanks!
Libby, LLeP Promotions
"We bring the sparkle of a genuine gemini from the moon to your inbox"




Subject:    Re: Question about quotes
Date:        2/7/01 1:19 PM
From:      Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
To:          LLeP Promotions, lleppromo@hydrene.com
CC:         Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

On 2/7/01 1:11 PM LLeP Promotions wrote:

>Thanks!
>Libby, LLeP Promotions
>"We bring the sparkle of a genuine gemini from the moon to your inbox"

How DARE you change the main promotional slogan without consulting ME!! You IDIOT, now it sounds like I am actually a Gemini, like my SUN is in Gemini! I am NOT a Gemini, I am an ARIES, but you are calling me a "genuine gemini". I have my MOON in Gemini.  And Chiron too, if anyone gives a rat's ass about that little hunk of crap, wounded or not. What are you people thinking???? Next you'll be saying that I have Sagitarrius rising, for God's sake!

If the slogan is not corrected pronto, Miss Libby, you're going to be corned beef hash, got it?

Liz Pfeiffer, Editor-in-*CHIEF* and *CEO* of LLeP (and don't you forget it)




Subject:    Re: Question about quotes
Date:        2/7/01 1:25 PM
From:      Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
To:          LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
CC:         Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

On 2/7/01 1:11 PM LLeP Promotions wrote:

>Thanks!
>Libby, LLeP Promotions
>"We bring the sparkle of a genuine gemini from the moon to your inbox"

I don't know if this unauthorized slogan has made it into any external email. What I want to know is if it has, is there any legal liability, false advertising or fraud or something that might happen?

Thanks,
Lizzie

PS Take a second to review your records guys. Let me ask you, which country is it we are dealing with in Europe: Austria, Belgium, or Germany?




Subject:    Re: Question about quotes
Date:        2/7/01 1:43 PM
Received:  2/7/01 1:43 PM
From:        LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:            Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
CC:           LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
                 Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

We are looking into the matter of the potential for fraud liability vis-a-vis the "geniune gemini" promotion.

In the matter of the counties in which LLeP does business, a search of our records shows all three of the countries you inquired about. Congratulations! Add thta to Canadian Dominion, CoDominium, and Everett, and LLeP can truly take pide in being an internationally distibuted eProduction company.

On a more serious note, we would like to take tihs opportunity to relate our misgivings the Promotions Dept. We feel they are behaving in a reckless and iresponsible manner. They are promoting the LLeP services as provoking, they are promoting "dysfunctional" behavior in our subscribers, they claim we are educating our subscribers, referring to our services as "SHIT", and now asserting an incorrect astorlogical chart for yourself. We feel that they should be sharply rained in, or the credility of LLeP may be severely compromised. In particular, one of their staff, Bernie, who has always been a thorn in our side, may require corrective action. His ideas of the proper business of LLeP are exceedingly shady, at best.

Sincerely,
LLeP Legal Dept




Subject:     Re: Question about quotes
Date:          2/7/01 1:51 PM
Received:   2/7/01 1:51 PM
From:        LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:            LLeP Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
                 Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
CC:          Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

On 2/7/01 1:43 PM LLeP Legal Dept wrote:

>In the matter of the counties in which LLeP does business, a search of
>our records shows all three of the countries you inquired about.
>Congratulations! Add thta to Canadian Dominion, CoDominium, and
>Everett, and LLeP can truly take pide in being an internationally distibuted
>eProduction company.

Hey, you forgot Central District and Flumplands!

>On a more serious note, we would like to take tihs opportunity to
>relate our misgivings the Promotions Dept. We feel they are behaving
>in a reckless and iresponsible manner. They are promoting the LLeP
>services as provoking, they are promoting "dysfunctional" behavior in
>our subscribers, they claim we are educating our subscribers, referring
>to our services as "SHIT", and now asserting an incorrect astorlogical
>chart for yourself. We feel that they should be sharply rained in, or the
>credility of LLeP may be severely compromised.

Alright, way to kick 'em when they're down, boys! Go Legal! Kill Promo!
Woof woof woof!

>In particular, one of their staff, Bernie, who has always been a thorn in our
>side, may require corrective action. His ideas of the proper business of
>LLeP are exceedingly shady, at best.

Ah fame. Ain't it grand.

But on a more serious note... this is the way it goes. Blame the lowest
ranking person possible to save your asses.

Bernie, LLeP scapegoat




Subject:    The Art of the Flump - part III (R-rated)
Date:        2/7/01 3:01 PM
From:       Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
To:          Mari, Simone, Heidi, Shanon

Well... hem.. welcome back to LLeP's hard hitting gritty eSeries "The Art of the Flump". We now present you with part III of the series, entitled "The Road Back: 17 steps to de-flump" (see Simone, and you started all this, amazing eh?)

step 1:

Find yourself (somehow) out of bed before 9:00 AM, and basically awake. Wonder what in the hell you are going to do, since there are no decent (a generous use of the term, as any flump understands) movies that early, and moreover you finished the last mystery in your least favourite series 6 hours prior. Feed cats, without rancor, while they are still lazing about in feline flumpishness on the couch (they are the experts, don'tcha know). Congratulate yourself on preventing them from waking you up with pestiferous cries for food and litter box flipping.

step 2:

Stare into the cupboards, looking for something to eat among the various nearly empty bags and boxes. Notice that you are really too sick of Tostito's, potato chips, and cookies to consider any of them for breakfast. And you are just plain out of chocolate ice cream.

step 3:

Realize, through the grief over the empty ice cream carton, that you just did in fact mentally use the term "breakfast".

step 4:

Stare into the refrigerator, as a gleam of creative thought struggles to the surface of the scummy pond that your mind has become (all those murdered bodies and confessing perpetrators have not helped the water quality of the pond any). Pull out various substances that any flump knows to be completely useless and inedible. Proceed to dazzle your spellbound self by making an omelette.

step 5:

Resolve to take a shower within the next three hours.

step 6:

Read your email. Shout incoherently as you spit your tea on the keyboard and try to catch your two ton stomach before it vanishes beneath those now turbulent waters with your sinking eProduction company.

step 7:

Fire your promotional department.

step 8:

Fire your legal department.

step 9:

Arm yourself with a frying pan (Analon non-stick) and hairbrush, and set about trying to find the irritating smart-aleck Bernie, who seems to work somewhere in your precariously teetering company. Many of the schemes from the myriad of murder mysteries now parade through your mind. And all their mistakes are yours to not make, your flumping has thoroughly educated you to commit the perfect crime. I mean hell, you can watch two movies and read a book at the same time, right? And this is what you were born for - to kill the LLeP staff!

step 10:

Discover that Bernie is actually pretty cute. Have a wild fuck with Bernie in the mail room until late in the afternoon (the frying pan is not put to the previously intended use, the hairbrush however...). Laugh at the funny little goat-like noise he makes just before he ejaculates. Every time!

step 11:

Fire Bernie. Revel in your power.

step 12:

Loose sleep over the state of the company, worrying about your reputation, your subscribers, your conscience. What if Apfelstrudel does create a problem? Why did you fire everyone before you had a chance to ascertain exactly which countries have subscribers? Will anyone actually sue for false advertising because a foolhardy and reckless (yes, reckless!) marketer passed you off as a Gemini when you are really an Aries. And this after struggling so long under the misapprehension that you were a Scorpio, and the subsequent angst of having no astrological chart at all. Oh the irony, oh the sting.

step 13:

Find Bernie, have another wild fuck (you just have to hear that little bleat a couple more times), then hire Bernie back as manager of the company. He has convinced you of the need for a newer, more devil-may-care approach, no legal department, a free-er more street savvy je-ne-sais-quois. You even can say "fuck" and "ejaculate" in your eArticles.

step 14:

Go home, look through the TV guide, and find nothing that does not bore or disgust you to even read about. You don't even pick up the remote. Try the video store instead.

step 15:

Go home with nothing after two exhausting hours reading the back of every pulse-pounding thrill ride and refreshing off-beat "this year's 'The Skunk, the Bartender, and Sally Ann's Futon'" in the entire video store.

step 16:

Listen to a favourite piece of music. Pet the cats. Take the shower. Giggle in the shower about Bernie's Bleat, but swear solemnly (maybe even to those witch and weer deities) that you will never again have sex with anyone who makes such a noise at such a moment, and moreover calls you Tostito Tramp after your heartfelt and trusting confessions about your recent flump.

step 17:

Call Bernie and fire him again. Turn the computer back on, and start typing.

Thank you for reading The Art of the Flump. We at LLeP hope that you found it both edifying and entertaining. And to Bernie, whoever's screen you are stealing, revenge is sweet. Ha ha ha!