Subject: New promotional outreach!
Date: 11/10/00 11:32 AM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer, firstname.lastname@example.org
To: Mari, Heidi
LLeP (that's Lizzie's Lowbrow eProductions for all you newcomers) has gone international! For all you grizzled old subscribers, please welcome our new customers in Germany! And for all you German subscribers, we want to welcome you to LLeP. Far Fig Nukin! We hope that you will get many minutes of entertainment from our diverse services, including eSerials (like The Adventures of Isabel and Deborah) and the award winning P.L.A.T.E. (Put Love Around That Email) program for eConsolation and eComfort.
LLeP is committed to excellence in email entertainment, and we bring to it the effervescent genius of a genuine Gemini Moon (that's me, by the way). Our motto is "We bring some Gemini sparkle from the Moon to your inbox."
To celebrate the exciting new German branch of LLeP, we are including an enchanting new bonus story. So without further ado, here is a small sample of what LLeP has to offer: a brand new story from LLeP, entitled
Ginger Watches Some TV
Ginger flicked on the TV (actually she tried to flick it on, with a "new millenium, clickers are instinctive to someone as sophisticated as myself" je-ne-sais-quois, but the thing wouldn't work without banging it on the floor a few times). "Hmm," she thought, "maybe I will find out about the election in my country of United States" (one of her many countries, she is Queen of the World, after all). Actually she had no choice in the matter, because every station seemed to think that if they didn't show election "results" (and I use the term VERY loosely), then they would go off the air instantly.
It was kind of exciting at first. Gore was well ahead and predicted to win. But then the news people said that they had changed their minds and that the all-important old fogies in Florida were more wishy-washy than they had thought. Next the naughty news people said that the Florida old farts had actually voted for Bush. They all declared Bush president of United States. Ginger heaved a sigh. Not the best outcome in her mind, but if you had to go by just the name then at least better sex than violence. But then the news people said that the over-fluoridated Floridians actually still couldn't decide about this, and it was still up in the air. Not only that, but the New Mexicans were almost as fickle and they couldn't figure them out.
Ginger began to be a little irritated, even though it was kind of funny. "Hmm," said Ginger to herself, "someone needs a spanking."
If you enjoyed this story about your most august Queen, then let LLeP know, and perhaps we can eSerialize it for all our subscribers!
If you would like to see future installments of Life With the Queen of the World, please send an email with the subject "Let them eat chocolate cake!" to email@example.com.
If you disliked the story and feel that this is the wrong direction for the LLeP, then send an email with the subject "Ginger should not be eProstituted by anyone. You really *are* Lowbrow." to firstname.lastname@example.org
We hope you enjoyed this email from LLeP, whether you are one of our loyal subscribers in the Good 'ole (but wishy washy) US-of-A, or one of our new German subscribers (who are probably laughing themselves silly over our electoral fun).
Liz Pfeiffer (Editor-in-Chief and CEO of LLeP)
P.S. If anyone has received this in error, oh well.
love love love,
Subject: Episode 2: The spanking
Date: 11/13/00 12:05 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer, email@example.com
To: Mari, Heidi
Ginger finished her morning Quik and Crumpets (it did not bode well for the folks in Florida that the whole election rigamarole had caused her staff to neglect to replenish the chocolate ice cream in the Royal Refrigerator (reducing her from a delicious morning milkshake to a glass of Nestle's Quik)), and took her Magic Dolphin-Drawn Hydrofoil from Royal Island to Florida. As she departed Voluptuous Bay, she monitored the current situation in her crystal ball (she even disengaged the rose tint from the glass, to get an accurate assessment).
It was not looking very promising. The Bush campaign was seeking an injunction, one of the counties was suing the attorney general, one county court was putting an injunction on releasing election results, the attorney general was being pig-headed about deadlines, and a number of citizens were suing about their votes. Everyone was shouting a great deal.
She sighed, and said to herself "This voting business may just not be working out. I hope I don't have to step in and start ruling directly. That would be exhausting! A few spankings may set things right. I will keep up hope."
When she arrived in Florida she had to fight her way through crowds chanting sundry slogans. "My goodness," she thought, "they are so frought up they don't even recognize me." Her mouth tightened to a determined little frown (and a very adorable one at that). She stopped once or twice to give a few swats to the unruly people in the street, but her first target was the lawyer in front of the microphones.
"And we think, or rather we feel we have to assert that the courts will realize, that the attorney general, or rather the office of the attorney general of Florida state, should carefully consider, with all due attention to precedents set and motions made, how the decision being made at this moment..."
So he was maundering on when the blonde vision of loveliness that we know and adore walked up the steps to him. A few whispers could be heard from the now quiet crowd: "look" "Queen of the world" "what is she doing here?" "who do you think she voted for?" (at this person she stuck out her tongue) "wow, her ass is even more fantastic in person" (to this person she blew a kiss).
"Well Mr. Lawyer," she said as she gave each fingertip of her glove a brisk tug to remove it (it was chilly boating at high speed all the way to Florida in November after all), "I think you have said quite enough."
With that she grabbed his collar, pulled him down to his hands and knees, and whipped his pants down. There was a hush in the square, which was broken after a few moments by a solitary slap. It was followed by another. And a third.
"That should be enough," said Ginger, "no need to overdo it." (which was true, for the lawyer was by now weeping copiously onto the hard cement steps (not so much from the pain of the spanking, but from the shame of being singled out for such a scolding by the Queen of the World!)). As the man got to his feet with head hanging and eyes on the pavement, Ginger leaned down and whispered to him "Don't feel singled out, you will not be the only one." He nodded dismally before she unleashed the final blow: "And if you want my advice, I think a couple of times a week on the stairmaster would be highly beneficial."
"Well," said Ginger, turning to the people of Florida and pulling her fuzzy pink bunny-eared glove back on, "where are Mr. Bush and Mr. Gore?"
We at LLeP hope you have enjoyed this second episode of "Life With the Queen of the World". The domestic demand for an eSerialization was overwhelming. We are very gratified and indebted to our customers for their loyalty and enthusiasm.
Notice: We wish to alert all our PLATE subscribers that the rush of requests and subscriptions has swamped our servers. We believe that the angst instigated by election uncertainties has increased the nation's need for PLATE services, and we are happy and proud to be able to support those people in this hour of need. But please be patient with our overloaded servers. And if you feel frustrated with any tardy or erroneous emails from LLeP or PLATE, don't blame us, blame the Gore and Bush campaigns and the people of the State of Florida (but no more lawsuits, please!)
Liz Pfeiffer (Editor-in-chief and CEO of LLeP)